Where do I put it?!

Christmas this year was absolutely fantastic. Having a child be amongst the festivities after years of not having it had turned my parents into comical characters. My father (and brother) insisted on opening up his gifts while he was awake, even though I continued to protest that he really wouldn't remember this.

Christmas morning, I don't recall how many times I had to sigh and say "Mom, he's a month old - he cannot unwrap the gift himself". And I myself continued stuffing the toy after toy infront of his face and saying "Do you see?" "Look what it does!" "Say thank you!" - He did, he saw, and he cannot speak yet. Being a mother, I'm allowed to be annoying, cheesy and unlogical, he will love me regardless.

Last night after days of putting it off, I packed up all of his new belongings from family, friends and the jolly, chubby red guy and brought everything to his nursery. I immediately stared in the closet, the bookcase and as his drawers and back to the newly accumulated trove of goodies.
Where? Where can any of this go?

I managed to throw two toys on top of other toys in his closet (6m+, so still unopened. Yeah, he needs toys like I need a hole in the head) and came to the conclusion this wasn't going to work. I wasn't going to have piles of new clothes and toys sitting all around his room as a trip hazzard for me running back and forth for diapers, wipes, recieving blankets, and so on.. So I began ripping toys out of boxes to condense all the toys. I began taking all of his NB (newborn) clothes, along with my tears, out of his closet and packing them away to donate (or save! This is so hard.)
By the end of the night, I had cleared out everything that he has already grown out of, unboxed 90 percent of his toys and age appropriately organized them, and eliminated everything he won't use for the next year from his room and into my closet.

Please - Remind me he doesn't need any more toys for about another year.
Or two.

Smarter than Mommy.

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a health care nurse who wanted to make sure all was well. Being registered as a single mom, she asked if it would be okay to make a home visit to ensure I was healthy, and to examine the baby and make sure everything was "going to code".

To her immediate surprise, Kaiden was awake drinking his bottle, hands around both sides, trying to hold it himself. She smiled, and started commenting on how that was unusual for a newborn, but then started handing me pamphlets on activities to do with him in the area, discussing formula feeding, ect.

She then asked me to lay him on his stomach so she can monitor his head control.
Since day one, everyone who has held him has commented that the control he has in his neck is outstanding for an infant, but I never thought much of it. "My boy is strong, okay?! I fed him right!"
He immediately planted both his hands and lifted his head up as high as he could - and she kind of stared in awe. She handed me medical charts and growth charts and started drawing lines and pointing out already existing lines. "This is where he should be, down here" she indicated at the bottom, and then she traced the line to 6 to 9 weeks and stopped her finger "He's up here. I'd say 98th percentile.. he's at least a month or more advanced."

Now, I'm not sure if she saw the alarmed look on my face, but she insisted everything was fantastic and that it may have to do with how well I carried him (health means everything!). Apparently it's common in babies whom were born late, and had mothers who were very health conscious when pregnant. Thanks for not eating so much meat, little man.

Fact of the matter is, as time has gone by I have increasingly noticed how bored he seems by common, mudane newborn activities. No, he doesn't want to just sleep. He wants to stare at his mobile and grab for the toys dangling infront of his face. He wants to be in his swing at the fastest speed it can go, staring at everything as he swings by.

Needless to say, he keeps me on my toes a lot more than the ordinary baby. My smart little baby boy. You better become a doctor, kid.

Holy Colic.

I'm welcoming myself back to the blogging world - I've been absent, such a shame. Since my "hiatus", there was a roller coaster of emotions, 14 hours of labour (an absolute treat!), and over 50 hours in the hospital..resulting in the most precious, wonderful, and gorgeous baby boy I could ever have asked for.

I am slowly healing, thanks to having small lady parts and a child with a big head, I actually had to have an episiotomy. Under the impression that it would get him here a bit faster, and I was so selfish and wanted him in my arms. I'm sure I screamed "Can you just do it?!" at least five times at my (then) incompetent nurse. Before or after insisting I was done pushing, and in fact would be happier with a c-section, I don't recall. "Being a mother is tough work" used to always seem like the most repeated babble of nonsense that people used to make themselves feel better .. until I was left alone in a hospital room, baby beside me, and a button tossed into my hand - "push this if you need anything".
Excuse me, what? You expect me to jump in and out of bed to change diapers and feed a baby, while fifteen minutes ago I was pushing it out and getting stitched up? Really? Really.

I made it through that night. And I've made it through the following two. But nothing could have ever prepared me for a baby with colic.Unmeasurable volume of screeching, inconsolable crying and little-to-no sleep.
I'm confident in saying the worst feeling ever is to feel like a defeated parent. Listening to him cry, even when he just wants something to eat, severely breaks my heart - but at least in that aspect I can give him what he wants. I can talk to him, and kiss him, and let him know everything is going to be okay.. whether he can understand me or not, I feel better.

The result? I ended up having to spend more money on bottles, designated for a sensitive tummy and switch to lactose-free formula. Yep, like me, my child is allergic to milk. The combination instantly solved the problem - and I don't think I've ever been so pleased and excited to see human feces in my life. I clapped, I cheered, I kissed, I cried.. I even called my brother, sister-in-law and best friend to inform them of this great accomplishment in my child's life.

And now he needs a nap, so off I go to slumber for roughly two hours before my bundle of joy becomes a holy terror and starts screaming because he wants to lay in my bed। Yes, he's that spoiled already.

You're a boy!

My Sweetheart,

My jaw cannot come off the floor, and it’s absolutely true when people say that life constantly provides us with unexpected and unpredicted joys.
You are a boy, and I cannot say I saw that coming. I instantly saw that little thing that puts you in the “male category” and instead of any sense of disappointment; I felt a very different feeling. Happiness. Gratitude. Absolute contentment. My own little man.
That little guy moving on that screen? That’s my son.

We listened to your heartbeat for what seems like forever (the best gift I could ever ask for), and your grandmother kept screaming at the lady to show her your parts again. I think everyone in the room needed confirmation that you were a boy, over and over. They kept checking, and you stayed a boy. 120% sure this time!

A few moments ago I rested my hands on the sides of my belly, and I smiled and said “Hello my little son..My son-shine, I should say.” And I laughed. Laughed because it feels like I’m learning you all over again. The kicks are familiar, but now I’m trying to tie a whole new person to them.

In my head, this is fate. A girl’s name has been the hardest challenge to figure out. They either don’t sound right, or there is an unpleasant association with any given name I’m even somewhat fond of.
But your name.. It’s like music to my ears, and as effortlessly as breathing.

My little Kaiden.

I’m told there is nothing like the bond between a mother and a son, and there is nothing like the bond between a mother and their first child. You, my boy, are hitting two birds with one stone. It’s hard to imagine that I could love anyone so much as I do those little movements in my body. I already feel that connection.

I cannot promise I’m always going to be the best parent, and your family isn’t going to always be perfect, and we might not be able to always give you everything you’ll ever want – but I can promise you that we will always be wealthy in the things that matter most. Because unconditional love and happiness? We have a lot of it ready for you, little boy.

Now I feel you kicking impatiently, and I have your heartbeat preserved in a bear.
So when you are ready, Kaiden, the whole world will be out here waiting for you.

La-La-Love.

Dear My Angel,


I can feel you moving inside me every time you might be in an uncomfortable position. I have no way of knowing what you're thinking or what you look like, yet, but that doesn't change how much I think about those things. I know you're going to be the most precious thing I've ever laid my eyes on, and your entire family feels the same way. You must be wondering why the space you're in is becoming so small, but you're the one who's getting so big! I'm trying to expand as much as I can for you, so bare with me.

I know I eat some things you don't think taste good, and I'm sorry. In fact, I wish you could tell me what your favourite food is, because I promise I would eat it all the time. I know you love fruit and vegetables, which makes me ecstatic. We are so alike already! But I do hope by the time you're here you like pasta and meat, because you're not letting me eat it!

I think your family (Nanny, especially!) is starting to get frustrated that they can't feel you yet, even though they've heard your heartbeat. I feel like I'm stealing all your love for myself, because when I feel you, a jolt of love and happiness surges through my entire body - but nobody else gets to experience it. That's okay, but as you're getting bigger you need to learn to kick abit harder!

Do you know my voice yet? From what I've read and what my doctors' have told me, you know it's your mommy speaking. I'm sure my voice calms you as much as listening to Disney music. Do you notice everyone else's voices? Nanny and Poppy. Uncle PJ and Aunt Megan? Maybe you can even tell which cat is around from their meow, or Arwen's hiss!

I'm nervous about bringing you into this world, so you're going to have to help me out as best as you can! But I promise that I'm going to carry you in my stomach these whole nine months, and in my heart from the moment you arrive in this world until the day I leave it. I'm going to love you and protect you just as much, if not more, than my mother has me. Even though from now until forever you're going to hear us all arguing over who loves you the most - mommy will always win. I love you.