Letters To Kaiden

In a few hours you are 61 days old, and I am 61 days old as a mommy. I know you probably cannot remember that first meeting, but I can recall it with ease. You weren't but seconds old, and they laid you on my chest. I stared into your dark eyes - the colour of chocolate - and pressed my lips against that little bald head. It was in that moment I promised I'd love you with every piece of me that I was capable of using, and protect you with all the fierceness of a lioness until the end of time.

That night, we were left alone together, and the only comfortable place you would rest is on my chest. The nurse smiled and said "He just wants his mommy, push your bed down and let him sleep on you, he'll be fine."
For a moment the concept was bizarre. I stared at you, questioningly. From day one, it had been me that had always wanted you. To see that face, to trace those perfect lips with my finger, to press my nose into every part of you and take in that beautiful baby aroma - the aroma I know was mine - that I created. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever realize that it would be in reverse. That you would crave my warmth, yearn to listen to my heartbeat, want to look at my face and memerize every little detail. I was looking at you with all the tenderness and love in the world, and I didn't notice the same look staring back at me from your eyes.

Over the last two months, I have learned to decipher your little noises. Your hungry and impatient wail, your frustrated grunts, your peaceful sigh, and your delicious laugh. I have noticed the faces that make you smile more. I realized how easy it is for you to fit in my hands just perfectly, like you were designed to fit them. You taught me the meaning of a stronger love than I could ever imagine - one that I had read about, and one that I thought I saw mirrored on my mother's face when she stared at my brother or I, but nothing that I had ever experienced.

It's a love that I cannot ever imagine not having anymore, because just as you grew inside me - you not only became a part of this world - but a part of me. A part I will always adore, effortlessly remember and forever cherish.
Thank you for coming into my world, and changing it so absolutely in the most perfect of ways.

What works! .. & doesn't.

I've been given the same advice from the beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm sure it will continue to be uttered, "No two babies are the same, so not everything you read will work with your baby." This has molded in my head, so when a book says "routine, routine, routine", I used to nod in agreement.. now, I smile and whisper "No, no, no-no!".

The deep seated planner in me is one that wants things to be orderly, and have a schedule. The mother in me knows it's impossible with my baby. Kaiden is on Kaiden time, and me trying to adjust his feedings, naps, and bedtime will not go well for me at all and cause him too much distress.

I read plently of parenting tips, must-haves and reviews prior to having my little one, and I decided to compile a list of what works for us, and what really doesn't.

What works:

1. Bath (every night) - As indicated in a previous post, the only way in order to ensure my little guy gets more than a half hour of sleep before he's wailing, is a nice (very) warm bath with lavendar scented bath products (Thank you, Johnson's!)

2. Swing - Godsend. A lot of people saying it was useless truthfully made me hesitate, until my parents insisted the swing matched the bouncer, which matched the travel system, which matched his diaper bag, and etc. , so we wound up getting one anyways. Thankful is the word for this one. There are times where he requires movement - not just rocking or walking - but a lot of fast motion. Ninety percent of the time I put him in his swing when he's agitated, and turn on the classical music, and he's out like a light.

3. Reading - I'm not really interested in people's opinions when it comes to reading to him. I couldn't care less if he doesn't grasp the concept, doesn't understand the words I'm saying, or hates the sound of my voice. Most of the time after he's stayed awake long enough to have a full feeding - but hasn't dozed off - if I begin to read to him his eyes start to get heavy and he drifts off. Plus, if he one day is a genius, I only have myself to thank!

What doesn't:

1. Swaddle - I'm told most babies fight it initially, but after awhile they will cave and sleep sounder. Kaiden? Nope. The first few nights I tried, he would scream and squirm until his hands were released, popping them directly in his mouth. I guess he just really didn't like how close everything was in there (never-ending kicking and moving), and out here, he's no better.

2. Pacifier - We have tried countless brands, and have even tried letting him suck on his bottle (eyes closed, mind you!) and did a "quick swap", and he notices the difference right away and spits it out. Only when he's severely tired and half asleep will he even take one in his mouth to calm him down, and even then it won't stay in long. Makes it easier for me to have to ween him off of it in later life, I suppose!

So in conclusion - do what's best for you, and your baby. Don't rely on the opinion of one mother, (or author for that matter!) to determine the needs for your child and what's "best for your child". As a mother, you're already on the right channel, you just need to fine-tune it.

Hush, my little baby!

The other day I somehow wound up in a bookstore, surrounded by books on babies about attachment parenting, breasts versus formula, and an array of ways to make your own baby food. The lady beside me, sporting a fairly large bump, smiles at my little one in the stroller. We make small talk about age, weight, delivery and everything else baby related, and she sheepishly asks "Is he a two hour baby, or a four hour baby? I'm already exhausted, I can't imagine staying awake even more at this point". I smile and inform her that he's not too bad, and pointed out the enormous section of books devoted to infant sleep strategies. "You have to teach a baby to sleep, I'm told. He'll get there someday, but he's doing incredible! ". Should have bit my tongue, because that night he was trying to make a liar out of me.

People like me with sensitive souls could never allow the "let him cry it out" method. I couldn't bare it. Child experts are never in between, either. I feel like every book I have read, every article, every seminar, and every word-of-mouth has been entirely one end of the spectrum or the other. No happy mediums. "Oh, after a couple of nights he'll just fall right to sleep". After..a..few..nights? I wouldn't, couldn't, and won't! Nor do I think anybody in our household would appreciate letting him sit there and be unhappy. His pinkie is quite strong, seeing as all the hundreds of pounds he has wrapped around it.

Time to research more on sleep! I've read, and learned after multiple readings that babies have a full process of getting to sleep. Light sleep, into deep sleep. There's a 20 (ish) minute span where your baby twitches, smiles and fidgets where you assume they are out cold and perhaps dreaming about something sweet (I insist Kaiden is dreaming about me!), but they are in fact in that crossroad of falling asleep and still being awake. If my baby is not left laying in arms for that 20-30 minute interval, and he's put down.. he will cry bloody murder, and the ritual starts all over again. I was finding that after a few days, even after that thirty to sometimes even forty minute resting period of no movement (on my end), as soon as he would be put down he would become alert, start stretching, and minutes later be very unhappy with his family.

So we started the bath-before-bed technique. After a few days of inconsolable crying, and me having to resort to putting him in his car seat/stroller and pushing him around the house (only thing that would make him doze off!), my mother and I came to the conclusion that he really loved his bedtime bath, and feeding, and he'd be out like a light. It's working marvelously thus far.. however, we're both terrified that if we stray in any way, shape, or form from that routine, back to the basics.

We may be giving this kid a bath every night with Lavender Johnson's baby products until he's 13. I'm hoping against it, but ready and willing!

Mommy OCD

When you're a pregnant, you anticipate the moment you get to hold that child in your arms. You insist you're ready, but when your water breaks you go into a state of panic. You claim you will never forget labour pain, which you do instantly. All of these things you can read in books. Motherhood is a whole new story - it's not just the sleep deprivation, the changes your body has to reverse, the hours of inconsolable crying or the hundreds upon hundreds of dollars this new little being needs. As a new mother you will experience some form of OCD, (in a comical form, not the serious disorder form) you develop a fixation with several things concerning your baby, mine have become purchasing, counting and thinking.

Compulsive Purchasing ...just in case! I think every first-time mother enjoys buying little outfits, happily anticipating this amazing little being that is soon going to be their heart walking outside of their body. I'm absolutely certain the first package of purchased diapers seems like a milestone, and a good deal on a case of baby wipes was a breakthrough - but after a few months into my pregnancy (and the confirmation that it was NOT a girl, but yes, a boy) things got out of hand, and even after he was here, it got more horrific.

At any point in time I enter a store where there is a baby section (grocery store included!), in my brain it is truly the only reason for coming in. I browse amongst the same things I have seen five thousand times, and insist "he needs this!" to anyone who is accompanying me, before tossing it in a cart. This got to the point where I was buying two of the same outfit in different sizes because I liked it so much. Thankfully not to the point where the closet was all but four outfits in every size you could purchase it, but if I claim to "absolutely adore" something he's wearing, you can bet I have the same thing in at least another size bigger.
I do realize that there is never going to be a point where every child clothing manufacturer shuts down, and I'm left to wrap my child in rags or over sized adult clothes, but it doesn't click in my head.
My baby now has 10 bottles (that we will never use), 6 different brands of pacifiers (5 of which he hates and spits out immediately), over 100 outfits (of just the ones he hasn't grown out of yet), and a diaper stash of up to size 5 (he is still in size 1).
Surprisingly still have money in my pocket!

Compulsive Counting.. everything. I could become a mathematician with the amount of adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing I do a day. Recounting, counting again. How many mL of water versus how many mL of concentrate formula. How many bottles. How many ounces per feeding. The last time he ate, and the number of hours until he eats again. How many hours of sleep he gets a day. How many hours of sleep he doesn't get a day. How many minutes of tummy time he gets and how many he should be getting. How many months, weeks, days, hours old he is. How many cases of formula I have stashed away in case something catastrophic happens. How many times he smiles, laughs, stares, cries, moves, and blinks a day. How many days I have until I leave him to go back to work. Calculations, calculations. Never-ending calculations.

Compulsive Thinking ... about all the things that can go wrong. I was never this kind of person in my entire life. I'm one of those glass-is-half-full kind of people. That's until I became a mom. You find yourself checking and double checking his breathing at night. You find yourself reading baby books on advice of what to do when they cry (because they might be seriously harmed!) and every bad thought flows through your head - because what if? And then there are the not so scary things, but still hard for a mom - what if I miss the first time he crawls, or stands, or walks, or speaks? What if I have some other obligation when he has a school play, concert or bake sale? I guess the best thing I can do is hope for the best, keep him safe and smile.

To other people, I look a little mentally incompetent - to other mothers, this is normal.
How life-changing is having a baby? More than people who are without children will ever know.