"Smart wittle baby"

I find most days I watch my son like a hawk watching it's prey, afraid I'm going to miss something.

Anything he does out of the norm, even if it's the first time I notice him play with his ears, or tickle his own toes, I stare at him in awe.

I think being a first-time mother is overwhelming at times, especially when you're as sensitive as a person as I am. I wonder how his body knows exactly what to do, how he learns every day something new and something he has never seen.

With the "absence" (also known as rarely around) father, I assumed the words "da da" wouldn't be uttered out of his mouth for quite some time. Even though I let the "D word" slip when it comes to my significant other who by all standards exceeds the expectations, biological child or not, in the back of my head it just wasn't going to be said too often.

Mama was his first word, yes.. for about a week. Now? DA..DA..DADA..DAAAAAADAAAAA.. constantly! "Mama? Try Mom! Mother? MOOOMMMYY?" "DADDDDDAAAAA!" "Brat.."

My mother has informed me most kids say Da.. anyways because it's the easiest sound to make.

I've accepted it! But nobody can tell me that sweet little child of mine can stare me directly in the eye, smirk and say "DADA" and wait for my reaction (which makes him crack up) without knowing it makes his mother pout.

This morning at 2:00AM he was still awake (as he had a long nap a few hours prior, slap on the hand!) and he was playing with my water bottle. After dropping it on the hardwood floor six to eight times , each greeted with a loud BANG, I shook my head and put his floor mats on the floor underneath him before I returned the bottle to his little chunky fingers. He smiled and tossed it behind him this time, avoiding the floor mats and creating that same loud BANG with a grin on his face. My son loves it when I'm dramatic so I opened my eyes wide and (quietly) yelled "Did you just do that on purpose?!" and he grabbed my hand and laughed.

It's terrifying to me that he's only hitting eight months old in a few weeks.

Sometimes I feel like he's two years old, and other days I feel like he's a month old.

Being a mom is the most heart-wrenching job ever. How do you stop them from growing?

Cough cough.

"You haven't blogged in awhile, but how on earth can you keep up with a blog when you have a 4.5 month old baby? Let alone when you're both sick". Thank you Lindsey from Medford, Oregon! That is absolutely sweet and completely accurate.

For the last two weeks every time I am in a "blog mode" either myself or baby Kaiden have a coughing attack, or we need food, or we need to get some laundry or cleaning done so our (grand)mother doesn't karate kick us out of her home. Doctors appointments upon doctor appointments have piled up, and we are working on getting ourselves better.

I have recently found out there are a worser thing than baby needles. Needles you feel bad for the first few minutes of them screaming and crying, but once you console them you instantly feel relieved. Sickness? You can only try to give your little bundle of joy Tylenol and hope for the best.

So my sincere apology, readers! We're on the "get well" horse and should be back soon!

Down and out? I wish.

Sudden discovery? Being a mom is the toughest when you aren't feeling well. I have to admit, since giving birth to my little treasure, my body hasn't been at 100 percent..ever. It feels like they fixed my lady parts, but didn't bother to inform my organs to go back into place. I feel like a poorly constructed jigsaw puzzle with probably a few pieces missing.

I trucked through that, because I've come to the conclusion until another few months I'm not going to feel perfect! However, when a sore throat and a little cough enter the picture, and I stare at the clock and pray to God he's going to have a catch-up day on sleep - I should have known I was in for trouble.

The one day mommy is "out of commission" is the day he likes to be as cranky as can be. I know it's not his fault, so I pull out my compassionate and adoring mother card and (avoiding to kiss him) pulled him into a tight embrace and started rubbing his back. What do I get in return? I handful of my hair being ripped from the roots. "Ow, Kaiden.. can you let go of mommy's hair?" Laughter. Pure, straight from the heart chuckle. I smile and say "Oh thank you for loving mommy's luscious locks!" and softly pry his hands open to unleash myself. As soon as the last strand is out of his grasp, he started to wail. I frantically tossed my hair back into his view, but to no avail.. much too late. Bottle? Warm up.. come on, warm up faster. Nope, don't want that. Pacifier? Scream, scream, suck, suck..... Victory? Spit out! Cry, cry, scream.

The only thing that really keeps him quiet is singing "If you're happy and you know it" and I feel saddened when I know that I can recall the lyrics to any Spice Girls song, and probably all of the ones by the Backstreet Boys, but for the life of me I cannot come up with more than two kids songs. Really? Really. Back on point, that only lasted a few more minutes before he tossed his hands in the air in frustration and kept crying.

My last resort is always rubbing his gums, because if it's not food or fun he wants and I know I just changed him, it's usually that his teething is starting to bother him. My poor little quick-developing baby! So finger teether in hand, we sit in the rocking chair and before I know it, he's out. What happens next? I have a coughing attack, waking him up even after I run out of the room and muffle my coughs against my arm. And this horrid set of occurrences happens throughout the entire day!

By the evening when I could finally get a nap because my mother is home, I was absolutely drained. My whole body was ready to fall apart and I started at her in utter and complete shock. "How did you do this with TWO babies? I could barely keep up with him." She smiled at me and chuckled "I never got sick!". My lucky mother. And then I smiled to myself when I thought "Lucky, yeah maybe. But she would have done the same thing I did and persevered!".

I'm saying it like it is.

I've actually noticed a lot of people searching keywords like "childbirth" and "labour", in turn getting my website. I realize I'm little to no help, as I haven't really written a detailed novel of what went down that day, nor have I really discussed my pregnancy and early motherhood very much - so I have selflessly decided to give anyone pregnant a little heads up. You asked for it, really.

Number 1: Everyone is so concerned about pain during labour and delivery. It hurts, yes. Is an epidural worth it? Asked me then, I may have nodded and agreed. Ask me now that I have to deal with a lot of back pain since, no. It's bittersweet, but make the decision for yourself. Don't let people sway you if you're uncomfortable and try to be a trooper. I was in pain for a good few extra hours than I needed to be because I didn't want to disappoint my grandmother (who believes I "wussed out"). And yes, down there tears and/or has to be cut, it isn't pleasant with no pain medication left in your system. Just saying!
(Please note that my doctor did a really good job fixing that. Did you take a sewing class? Thanks, ma'am!)

Number 2: Your body and heart will never feel the same. I have never known what love is, truthfully, until I held that child in my arms. I always thought my family and my boyfriend took up every little compartment I had in there (atriums and ventricles), until he was thrown on my chest like a bag of potatoes. It's like a whole other heart sprouted into place to be filled with him, or my original one just expanded twice the size to accomodate him, either or. In addition to that, my body feels like a failed game of Operation. The pieces are there, but still things feel like they aren't in the right place. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces crammed together, not fitting nicely like they should. I guess I should be grateful that my lady parts are intact, my stomach can hide in former clothing and I do not have feet constantly kicking me in the ribs. (Although the last one I do miss.) Oh, and your teeth get awful - every bit of calcium your baby needs they take from your bones (teeth included). Thanks a lot, Kaiden.. your allowance is going straight to my dentist bill!

Number 3: Nice clothes after-baby are useless. Nice furniture after-baby is too. I don't think there is anything I now own that has not been vomitted on and stained a few times. I'm in the groove of just wearing oversized tshirts and sweatpants constantly unless we are heading out, because there is truly no point in adding more laundry to my oversized pile.

Number 4: Post-baby-dating is difficult, married or not. I think this hit me when my boyfriend and I were out for the first time in weeks, and all we discussed was hoping we would get back and he had pooped (because he hadn't all day). Really? All this time without any intimacy, and our conversation has centered around my child's bowel movements? Hilarious. (Please keep in mind this just another step in the right direction of being a good father-figure for my son, and realizing he's the right one.. so it worked in both of our favours!)

Finally, Number 5: The good outweighs the bad. Always. There are such small inconveniences in the grand scheme of baby raising, that make it absolutely worth going through to see that smile, hear that laugh, feel that soft skin and smell that baby aroma. Every day is a challenge, and every day you get the biggest award you can imagine.

These are the facts. Well, my facts.

Growing Pains

I've been having an internal struggle when it comes to the healthy growing and aging of my little guy, as I'm sure every mother goes through.
First, second, or third? Doesn't matter. The familiarity doesn't make it easier, I'm told.
On one hand they are learning, developing, showing off their newly acquired skill with pride, and on the other, "Why? This is too soon! Slow down!".

I find this struggle the hardest while shopping. He has enough clothes and diapers for the current time-frame Kaiden, so I'm shopping for the person he will be in a few weeks, or months, and it's hard to look at an outfit as long as my torso, and think "this is how big he will be in this short period of time...NO, MOM! Out that down, he might not like red!!".

I am in absolute awe when I stare at him how drastically he has changed since they tossed him on my chest and said "meet your son!". His nose has taken on the shape of his mommy's, he's MANY inches longer, and his weight gain isn't just noticeable due to the excess weight on my arm. He grabs his bottle and holds it steadily in his mouth, when you hold his hands, he beins to try to pull up, and he's grasping his toys left, right and center.

When I was pregnant, all I could picture was park outings, and skating, and going to the zoo .. when he was "older", and now I'm in no rush.

What works! .. & doesn't.

I've been given the same advice from the beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm sure it will continue to be uttered, "No two babies are the same, so not everything you read will work with your baby." This has molded in my head, so when a book says "routine, routine, routine", I used to nod in agreement.. now, I smile and whisper "No, no, no-no!".

The deep seated planner in me is one that wants things to be orderly, and have a schedule. The mother in me knows it's impossible with my baby. Kaiden is on Kaiden time, and me trying to adjust his feedings, naps, and bedtime will not go well for me at all and cause him too much distress.

I read plently of parenting tips, must-haves and reviews prior to having my little one, and I decided to compile a list of what works for us, and what really doesn't.

What works:

1. Bath (every night) - As indicated in a previous post, the only way in order to ensure my little guy gets more than a half hour of sleep before he's wailing, is a nice (very) warm bath with lavendar scented bath products (Thank you, Johnson's!)

2. Swing - Godsend. A lot of people saying it was useless truthfully made me hesitate, until my parents insisted the swing matched the bouncer, which matched the travel system, which matched his diaper bag, and etc. , so we wound up getting one anyways. Thankful is the word for this one. There are times where he requires movement - not just rocking or walking - but a lot of fast motion. Ninety percent of the time I put him in his swing when he's agitated, and turn on the classical music, and he's out like a light.

3. Reading - I'm not really interested in people's opinions when it comes to reading to him. I couldn't care less if he doesn't grasp the concept, doesn't understand the words I'm saying, or hates the sound of my voice. Most of the time after he's stayed awake long enough to have a full feeding - but hasn't dozed off - if I begin to read to him his eyes start to get heavy and he drifts off. Plus, if he one day is a genius, I only have myself to thank!

What doesn't:

1. Swaddle - I'm told most babies fight it initially, but after awhile they will cave and sleep sounder. Kaiden? Nope. The first few nights I tried, he would scream and squirm until his hands were released, popping them directly in his mouth. I guess he just really didn't like how close everything was in there (never-ending kicking and moving), and out here, he's no better.

2. Pacifier - We have tried countless brands, and have even tried letting him suck on his bottle (eyes closed, mind you!) and did a "quick swap", and he notices the difference right away and spits it out. Only when he's severely tired and half asleep will he even take one in his mouth to calm him down, and even then it won't stay in long. Makes it easier for me to have to ween him off of it in later life, I suppose!

So in conclusion - do what's best for you, and your baby. Don't rely on the opinion of one mother, (or author for that matter!) to determine the needs for your child and what's "best for your child". As a mother, you're already on the right channel, you just need to fine-tune it.

Hush, my little baby!

The other day I somehow wound up in a bookstore, surrounded by books on babies about attachment parenting, breasts versus formula, and an array of ways to make your own baby food. The lady beside me, sporting a fairly large bump, smiles at my little one in the stroller. We make small talk about age, weight, delivery and everything else baby related, and she sheepishly asks "Is he a two hour baby, or a four hour baby? I'm already exhausted, I can't imagine staying awake even more at this point". I smile and inform her that he's not too bad, and pointed out the enormous section of books devoted to infant sleep strategies. "You have to teach a baby to sleep, I'm told. He'll get there someday, but he's doing incredible! ". Should have bit my tongue, because that night he was trying to make a liar out of me.

People like me with sensitive souls could never allow the "let him cry it out" method. I couldn't bare it. Child experts are never in between, either. I feel like every book I have read, every article, every seminar, and every word-of-mouth has been entirely one end of the spectrum or the other. No happy mediums. "Oh, after a couple of nights he'll just fall right to sleep". After..a..few..nights? I wouldn't, couldn't, and won't! Nor do I think anybody in our household would appreciate letting him sit there and be unhappy. His pinkie is quite strong, seeing as all the hundreds of pounds he has wrapped around it.

Time to research more on sleep! I've read, and learned after multiple readings that babies have a full process of getting to sleep. Light sleep, into deep sleep. There's a 20 (ish) minute span where your baby twitches, smiles and fidgets where you assume they are out cold and perhaps dreaming about something sweet (I insist Kaiden is dreaming about me!), but they are in fact in that crossroad of falling asleep and still being awake. If my baby is not left laying in arms for that 20-30 minute interval, and he's put down.. he will cry bloody murder, and the ritual starts all over again. I was finding that after a few days, even after that thirty to sometimes even forty minute resting period of no movement (on my end), as soon as he would be put down he would become alert, start stretching, and minutes later be very unhappy with his family.

So we started the bath-before-bed technique. After a few days of inconsolable crying, and me having to resort to putting him in his car seat/stroller and pushing him around the house (only thing that would make him doze off!), my mother and I came to the conclusion that he really loved his bedtime bath, and feeding, and he'd be out like a light. It's working marvelously thus far.. however, we're both terrified that if we stray in any way, shape, or form from that routine, back to the basics.

We may be giving this kid a bath every night with Lavender Johnson's baby products until he's 13. I'm hoping against it, but ready and willing!

Mommy OCD

When you're a pregnant, you anticipate the moment you get to hold that child in your arms. You insist you're ready, but when your water breaks you go into a state of panic. You claim you will never forget labour pain, which you do instantly. All of these things you can read in books. Motherhood is a whole new story - it's not just the sleep deprivation, the changes your body has to reverse, the hours of inconsolable crying or the hundreds upon hundreds of dollars this new little being needs. As a new mother you will experience some form of OCD, (in a comical form, not the serious disorder form) you develop a fixation with several things concerning your baby, mine have become purchasing, counting and thinking.

Compulsive Purchasing ...just in case! I think every first-time mother enjoys buying little outfits, happily anticipating this amazing little being that is soon going to be their heart walking outside of their body. I'm absolutely certain the first package of purchased diapers seems like a milestone, and a good deal on a case of baby wipes was a breakthrough - but after a few months into my pregnancy (and the confirmation that it was NOT a girl, but yes, a boy) things got out of hand, and even after he was here, it got more horrific.

At any point in time I enter a store where there is a baby section (grocery store included!), in my brain it is truly the only reason for coming in. I browse amongst the same things I have seen five thousand times, and insist "he needs this!" to anyone who is accompanying me, before tossing it in a cart. This got to the point where I was buying two of the same outfit in different sizes because I liked it so much. Thankfully not to the point where the closet was all but four outfits in every size you could purchase it, but if I claim to "absolutely adore" something he's wearing, you can bet I have the same thing in at least another size bigger.
I do realize that there is never going to be a point where every child clothing manufacturer shuts down, and I'm left to wrap my child in rags or over sized adult clothes, but it doesn't click in my head.
My baby now has 10 bottles (that we will never use), 6 different brands of pacifiers (5 of which he hates and spits out immediately), over 100 outfits (of just the ones he hasn't grown out of yet), and a diaper stash of up to size 5 (he is still in size 1).
Surprisingly still have money in my pocket!

Compulsive Counting.. everything. I could become a mathematician with the amount of adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing I do a day. Recounting, counting again. How many mL of water versus how many mL of concentrate formula. How many bottles. How many ounces per feeding. The last time he ate, and the number of hours until he eats again. How many hours of sleep he gets a day. How many hours of sleep he doesn't get a day. How many minutes of tummy time he gets and how many he should be getting. How many months, weeks, days, hours old he is. How many cases of formula I have stashed away in case something catastrophic happens. How many times he smiles, laughs, stares, cries, moves, and blinks a day. How many days I have until I leave him to go back to work. Calculations, calculations. Never-ending calculations.

Compulsive Thinking ... about all the things that can go wrong. I was never this kind of person in my entire life. I'm one of those glass-is-half-full kind of people. That's until I became a mom. You find yourself checking and double checking his breathing at night. You find yourself reading baby books on advice of what to do when they cry (because they might be seriously harmed!) and every bad thought flows through your head - because what if? And then there are the not so scary things, but still hard for a mom - what if I miss the first time he crawls, or stands, or walks, or speaks? What if I have some other obligation when he has a school play, concert or bake sale? I guess the best thing I can do is hope for the best, keep him safe and smile.

To other people, I look a little mentally incompetent - to other mothers, this is normal.
How life-changing is having a baby? More than people who are without children will ever know.