Meestor Punkin,

I can recall holding you in my belly, folding my hands over that growing bump and smiling whenever I would feel the slightest nudge. I tell pregnant friends the most incredible thing is when the baby has hiccups - which you did frequently - and you can feel the constant little bubbles in your stomach.

How did we get to four months so quickly? You are one-third of the way to being a year old. How many times do I have to use the word "bittersweet"? I am ecstatic watching you flip from your stomach to your back, and vice versa.. smiling at those big brown eyes and beautiful smile you give when you know you have just accomplished something new. You laugh when I hover over you clapping enthusiastically and reiterating "Good boy! Mommy's little boy! Mommy's little angel!" over and over. In my head I'm thinking "Please slow down! Just get your wrinkly, red skin back, curl your legs underneath you and cuddle me.

My mind has been so scattered the past week and a half, Kaiden. You're far too young to understand the tragedies in this world, especially the things going on in Japan. You saw me look at a television screen and shed tears, and although you probably didn't understand the emotion on mommy's face, you laid a comforting hand on my cheek. Death is a hard subject for anyone. Seeing all the people who essentially didn't have the chance to live their full potential in life is devastating. Even more devastating is the fact that throughout all those reports, all I could imagine is any parent having to lose their child to that. Young or old, somebody's son or daughter is no longer on this earth with them.

This scares me to death. I wish I had the ability to protect you from every bad thing that will ever happen. In those minutes of sadness, I prayed for the super strength to fight off any and every physical, emotional and mental harms to ever be put in front of you. My love for you in my head will always feel like enough to protect you from everything, but ultimately the only thing I can do is constantly pray. The only way for a mother to survive this thing called motherhood and to not feel so small and insignificant is to believe in something big. Believe that there is a higher power that is going to look out for you when it's out of your mother's hands.

The other day I came across my notebook, the one I wrote little tidbits of my feelings when I learned you were coming into this world. I was overcome with so many emotions, and it's incredible to read how beautifully your existence was impacting me, even before I held you in my arms. You have made me everything I was a better version. More beliefs, more morals, more strength, and a whole lot of more love.

One day you will understand this kind of love, when your own miracle smiles up at you. Until then, it's you and me in this together.. You mean everything to me, and time will never change that except for the better.. and I wouldn't have it any other way, kiddo.

Love,

Mommy