I'm saying it like it is.

I've actually noticed a lot of people searching keywords like "childbirth" and "labour", in turn getting my website. I realize I'm little to no help, as I haven't really written a detailed novel of what went down that day, nor have I really discussed my pregnancy and early motherhood very much - so I have selflessly decided to give anyone pregnant a little heads up. You asked for it, really.

Number 1: Everyone is so concerned about pain during labour and delivery. It hurts, yes. Is an epidural worth it? Asked me then, I may have nodded and agreed. Ask me now that I have to deal with a lot of back pain since, no. It's bittersweet, but make the decision for yourself. Don't let people sway you if you're uncomfortable and try to be a trooper. I was in pain for a good few extra hours than I needed to be because I didn't want to disappoint my grandmother (who believes I "wussed out"). And yes, down there tears and/or has to be cut, it isn't pleasant with no pain medication left in your system. Just saying!
(Please note that my doctor did a really good job fixing that. Did you take a sewing class? Thanks, ma'am!)

Number 2: Your body and heart will never feel the same. I have never known what love is, truthfully, until I held that child in my arms. I always thought my family and my boyfriend took up every little compartment I had in there (atriums and ventricles), until he was thrown on my chest like a bag of potatoes. It's like a whole other heart sprouted into place to be filled with him, or my original one just expanded twice the size to accomodate him, either or. In addition to that, my body feels like a failed game of Operation. The pieces are there, but still things feel like they aren't in the right place. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces crammed together, not fitting nicely like they should. I guess I should be grateful that my lady parts are intact, my stomach can hide in former clothing and I do not have feet constantly kicking me in the ribs. (Although the last one I do miss.) Oh, and your teeth get awful - every bit of calcium your baby needs they take from your bones (teeth included). Thanks a lot, Kaiden.. your allowance is going straight to my dentist bill!

Number 3: Nice clothes after-baby are useless. Nice furniture after-baby is too. I don't think there is anything I now own that has not been vomitted on and stained a few times. I'm in the groove of just wearing oversized tshirts and sweatpants constantly unless we are heading out, because there is truly no point in adding more laundry to my oversized pile.

Number 4: Post-baby-dating is difficult, married or not. I think this hit me when my boyfriend and I were out for the first time in weeks, and all we discussed was hoping we would get back and he had pooped (because he hadn't all day). Really? All this time without any intimacy, and our conversation has centered around my child's bowel movements? Hilarious. (Please keep in mind this just another step in the right direction of being a good father-figure for my son, and realizing he's the right one.. so it worked in both of our favours!)

Finally, Number 5: The good outweighs the bad. Always. There are such small inconveniences in the grand scheme of baby raising, that make it absolutely worth going through to see that smile, hear that laugh, feel that soft skin and smell that baby aroma. Every day is a challenge, and every day you get the biggest award you can imagine.

These are the facts. Well, my facts.

Bye Newbie, Hello Bronco.

I apologize for the lack of my blogging; yes, being a mother is tough work. Managing a relationship on the side isn't exactly easy. Getting used to assisting in cleaning since I'm home all day isn't a treat - but I am still managing to find a few minutes, coffee in hand, and calm music erupting from my headphones to take a breather.

A few days ago I said goodbye to the cuddly little newborn I've known for the last 2 months and a bit, and hello to my new 'babychild'. I mean this in the sense of everything we once did now irritates or bores him. I can no long let him lay on my chest and fall asleep, we cuddle tummy to tummy because he is as long as my torso.
I cannot hold him close when he's happy and receive a perfect head fitting right into the crevice of my neck, but instead I get my little bronco baby (bucking to get out of there) and screeching until he's sat up on my lap, or on the couch. I smile and say "Oh you're just nosey!" - I am a firm believer that children know more than we think they know - I'm positive he just wants to see the world around him, and is afraid he's missing out on something when asleep or his vision is obscured.

I cannot lie and say I did not shed a few tears when I realized not only did I have to pack away his newborn clothing, most of his 0-3 clothing and even some of his 3 month sleepers. I stared in utter shock at the baby in front of me and at the sleeper dangling in my hand. "Why?" I sobbed to myself. I held the legs up to his body, and frowned when I saw they would not reach toe to crotch.

Then again later in the day, I was giving him his tummy time and as he was cooing at the glowworm in front of him, I rubbed his back like I always do. This time I noticed the number 2 staring up at me, grasped in Tigger's paws, no less. Size 2, really? It's like this didn't hit me when it was happening and all I could sit and think was how did this happen so quickly?

I can post and post about how fast he's growing, and one day instead of a baby book, I will be reading him this blog. This is all about you, after all, my darling little boy. "You grew so quickly, and you made mommy cry!" - I can guilt trip him in the future. A baby book has very little information. This blog is a splillage of your life, how you became you, and we became us.

The fact is I have a healthy, absolutely breathtaking little angel. One who's coos, smiles and breathing is imprinted deeply into my being. I see his face in every part of my life, even when we're apart for fraction of time. I can truthfully say I have dreamed of a lot of wonderous jobs, and until I had him, being a mother wasn't really a high priority on the list. Now? Number one. I love you, Kaids.

One Arm.

Baby Boy - I hope you don't mind if I hold on to you forever.

I have mastered doing everything with one arm, so really.. it's just convenient.

Growing Pains

I've been having an internal struggle when it comes to the healthy growing and aging of my little guy, as I'm sure every mother goes through.
First, second, or third? Doesn't matter. The familiarity doesn't make it easier, I'm told.
On one hand they are learning, developing, showing off their newly acquired skill with pride, and on the other, "Why? This is too soon! Slow down!".

I find this struggle the hardest while shopping. He has enough clothes and diapers for the current time-frame Kaiden, so I'm shopping for the person he will be in a few weeks, or months, and it's hard to look at an outfit as long as my torso, and think "this is how big he will be in this short period of time...NO, MOM! Out that down, he might not like red!!".

I am in absolute awe when I stare at him how drastically he has changed since they tossed him on my chest and said "meet your son!". His nose has taken on the shape of his mommy's, he's MANY inches longer, and his weight gain isn't just noticeable due to the excess weight on my arm. He grabs his bottle and holds it steadily in his mouth, when you hold his hands, he beins to try to pull up, and he's grasping his toys left, right and center.

When I was pregnant, all I could picture was park outings, and skating, and going to the zoo .. when he was "older", and now I'm in no rush.