Simple things.

I listen to the same screeching laugh that comes right from the heart, that tears directly into mine and makes my heart want to explode out of my chest.

Every single day.. I listen and smile at his happiness due to my silly faces, or yelling at him to hold my hand (he gets a huge kick out of holding mommy's hands, and he likes when I'm dramatic).

He has turned me into a mother - complete with messy hair and still wearing pajamas.

These simple things I will never let go of, because he's changed me so completely.

I'm nothing else but a mommy..

And happy to be.

Question!

I have had a lot of great feedback on my parenting skills throughout my series of social networks, friends and families. A lot of people on my former blog (Sup, Livejournal-type-people?!), a handful of emails and just a slew of happens-every-day questions have been brought to the table, and I figured I would blog my answers to a few of these questions.

Q: Kaiden is a very unique name - had you thought of any other names before you decided on it?

A: I absolutely fell in love with the name Kaiden from the get-go. I actually heard it on a video game (Mass Effect, y'all!) and never really thought of any other male names, to be honest. Although when I did think I was having a girl I had thrown together "Alexis" "Callie" "Kaylie" and "Makayla". The final one was still in the process, and I guess we never really found out how that one would have turned out!

Q: Thoughts on circumcision?

A: To each their own! This was a large question in parenting classes, and not really a huge topic of conversation in my household. I'm a firm believer in not altering what god gave you - in the sense of adding or taking away things, not like..hair dye - so I knew from the moment I found out I was having a son, I wasn't having it done. I understand the cleanliness issues and all that goes with it, but that's a bridge I'm willing to cross.

Q: What is your biggest fear as a mother? Your biggest flaw?

A: I think it's safe to say my biggest fear is missing something. Time cannot be changed, and I would never forgive myself if I didn't cherish every second I have with him, holding on to every single detail my mind can wrap itself around. My biggest flaw when it comes to my parenting ability is not listening to my own feelings about how he should be raised versus what everyone else says. Sometimes I listen instead of trusting my own parental instinct, when it comes to family members and friends - I need to learn to trust myself, I'm a great mother and I know exactly what my little boy needs.

Q: How many babies will you end up having?

A: If financial situations and babies had nothing to do with one another, I'd have 10. They bring such happiness and a sense of purpose. However, as my baby doesn't poop out gold.. I think I'd be comfortable with 2, maybe 3. It's hard to imagine my heart could ever expand to fit more than just Kaiden for now, though.

And that's all, folks!

- Candace

So hard to keep up!

The sun is shining, angels are singing, the clouds part and a voice says "Welcome back, Candace!"

I have absolutely been absent from the blogging world (and actually the virtual world for the most part). Baby Kaiden is growing so fast, I rarely have time for anything anymore.

First, it was the teeth. The first two shot up (bottoms up!), and then the top 4 quickly followed.

This did come along with a whole lot of screaming, late nights, red faces, cold toys and washcloths and my newest best friend Baby Orajel. Now my handsome boy has a mouth full of teeth emerging and is absolutely dying to chomp on some solid[er] food as soon as possible! As soon as I get over my irrational "he might choke" fear. I'm a first time mom, bare with me.

Secondly, he got on the move. Weeks and weeks of laying on his stomach and not making the effort to crawl, but to immediately plant his feet and try to stand was exhausting. I found myself constantly throwing my arms out to catch him before he face-planted and hurt his beautiful little self. Now? Crawl, crawl, crawl to the couch, stand, laugh, crawl back to whomever is showing him attention, crawl, crawl. I honestly experienced many moments where I understood why most mothers complain they only have two arms. Warming a bottle, making formula, trying to change a diaper, clean a baby covered head to toe in food, and watch him crawl away from my grasp.. exhausting.

Talking? Yep, talking. His vocabulary is actually kind of amazing for a nine month old baby, I kid you not. I have proof of pretty much every word multiple times on videos (if you need it!), because he's constantly yammering on. His words now consist of "Mom/Mama" (obv!) "Nan" "Pop" (He's got the basics down, right?) "Elmo" "Car" "Hi!" "Bubbie [Bubble]" "Uncle" "Ah-Mug [Aunt Meg, I think!], and "Ohhhhh!" (When he gets something!). Hilarious!

Lastly, within the last two weeks he's getting pretty good on his feet! He can stand for long periods of time on his own, or with little support. He is constantly dancing in his crib while watching Mickey Mouse Playhouse. He will hold hands and walk (he prefers only holding him with one hand.. he's a brave little soul) until he's mid-pass out, and today he took a few steps (towards Elmo, no less!) all on his own.

Everyone keeps saying he'll be walking, talking, playing, and off to school before I know it - I don't mind if he slows down though.

Next on the list? Planning his first birthday party! I'm already exhausted and it's still 2.5 months away!

M-O-M

Hearing the word "Mom" come out of your child's mouth for the first, fifteenth or one-hundredth time never gets old.

It grasps at your heart strings and pulls in all the right places.

The emotional, the pure happiness and the complete and utter pride.

Keep saying it, baby.

Mommy will never get tired of hearing it.

"Smart wittle baby"

I find most days I watch my son like a hawk watching it's prey, afraid I'm going to miss something.

Anything he does out of the norm, even if it's the first time I notice him play with his ears, or tickle his own toes, I stare at him in awe.

I think being a first-time mother is overwhelming at times, especially when you're as sensitive as a person as I am. I wonder how his body knows exactly what to do, how he learns every day something new and something he has never seen.

With the "absence" (also known as rarely around) father, I assumed the words "da da" wouldn't be uttered out of his mouth for quite some time. Even though I let the "D word" slip when it comes to my significant other who by all standards exceeds the expectations, biological child or not, in the back of my head it just wasn't going to be said too often.

Mama was his first word, yes.. for about a week. Now? DA..DA..DADA..DAAAAAADAAAAA.. constantly! "Mama? Try Mom! Mother? MOOOMMMYY?" "DADDDDDAAAAA!" "Brat.."

My mother has informed me most kids say Da.. anyways because it's the easiest sound to make.

I've accepted it! But nobody can tell me that sweet little child of mine can stare me directly in the eye, smirk and say "DADA" and wait for my reaction (which makes him crack up) without knowing it makes his mother pout.

This morning at 2:00AM he was still awake (as he had a long nap a few hours prior, slap on the hand!) and he was playing with my water bottle. After dropping it on the hardwood floor six to eight times , each greeted with a loud BANG, I shook my head and put his floor mats on the floor underneath him before I returned the bottle to his little chunky fingers. He smiled and tossed it behind him this time, avoiding the floor mats and creating that same loud BANG with a grin on his face. My son loves it when I'm dramatic so I opened my eyes wide and (quietly) yelled "Did you just do that on purpose?!" and he grabbed my hand and laughed.

It's terrifying to me that he's only hitting eight months old in a few weeks.

Sometimes I feel like he's two years old, and other days I feel like he's a month old.

Being a mom is the most heart-wrenching job ever. How do you stop them from growing?

Swingin'

This past weekend was our Canada Day weekend, so we packed up all of our gear (again, packing for a baby takes multiple days and a series of checklists!) and headed up north again. Surrounding Kaiden with the same childhood - whether he can remember it or not - is super important to me, so ideally I'm aiming for taking him up every long weekend.

After many walks around in his little car and stroller, I decided to take him over to the baby swings (9 months for an average size baby, y'all! My little guy is a bit bigger than average!) in the park across the road, and he fell absolutely in love.

I think he noticed the difference of his baby swing and actually swinging in a "big boy swing", because the grin on his face was absolutely, heart achingly beautiful! I couldn't stop laughing at his amusement as we pushed him back and released him, grinning and screaming every time the sun would hit his little face. I fell more in love with my son than I ever thought possible. The older he gets, the more personality he forms, the more I can't imagine him not being the thing that holds me to this earth. I don't know what I ever did without him!

A day in the life..

To commemorate Kaiden turning seven months as of yesterday, I thought we would do what my fellow mommy-bloggers are doing and give you an open window into our (somewhat) daily life and the routine we have implemented.. or rather the one Kaiden makes us go by.

We start off early at 8:00 AM. He still hasn't mastered sleeping throughout the entire night, and still whines (not cries!) for a bottle mid-night, so we are a little lazy for the first couple of minutes getting out of bed. We religiously watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Manny on Disney Junior while we play with a few toys. For a not-even-seven-month-old he has an incredible attention span.

By the time we change diapers, spend time playing with Sophie and our Bug-a-loop and hang out in the crib it's 10:30am! Into the living room to get him some breakfast. Today his breakfast of choice (not his choice yet, unfortunately!) is a Heinz Baby : Farley's Biscuits (original, he hates banana) which he loves because he tries to be so independent already. Anything he can eat on his own if great in his books! His biscuit and a 4oz bottle of formula later and he's ready to go for a nap so Mommy can start her day!

His naps sometimes last thirty minutes and span to sometimes two hours, either way it's the time I get to myself to check emails, browse Facebook, eat breakfast and tend to any other household chores that have to get done. How someone so small accumulates so much laundry, I will never know, and outside for a few minutes to water his plant! Back in, it's 12:00PM and Kaiden is awake.He is such a "meat and potatoes" man as my mother calls it. You can offer him other vegetables, he will taste it begrudgingly. Fruit, he will squinch up his face as soon as the sweetness (or sourness) hits his taste buds. Give my child any potato or meat puree and he'll eat the legs off the table. I'm sure that's not a figure of speech if he could walk. Today we are making organic sweet potatoes in our Magic Bullet (because our As Seen On TV store exchanges magic bullets for baby bullets in a week!)

We eat our lunch together because he definitely tries to mimic me at this point. Mommy eats, Kaiden eats. Mommy eats, Kaiden eats! Then we take a little stroll outside (only because today isn't too unbearable of a hot day) where Kaiden is stopped plenty of times by people claiming he's "so beautiful!".

Back inside, at which point his Nanny is home from her work day and spends time with him until his Poppy also gets home from work and they take him out for yet again, another walk. Time to change him again, he got dirty eating lunch without a bib, whoops! ?Now I have time to finish any laundry, text some friends and start cooking dinner (if it's my night, which tonight happens to be.) Ranch crusted pork chops, Cesar salad and ranch&bacon roasted potatoes.

He's back and now it's reading time. He loves to sit in his Mega Splash Exersaucer or his Baby Einstein Jumperoo and listen to me talk to him, play peek-a-boo, or read him books after books. Sometimes he turns his head like he is retaining the information and staring at my thoughtfully, and I laugh behind the book as to not interrupt his concentration.

We spend a few minutes eating more food (chicken and mixed vegetables) in his highchair, sit down for a quick bottle and rest awhile before it's 9:00PM and it's bath time.

My son loves, loves, loves, loves the bathtub. I'm quite sure if I left him in it all day he would be pleased. He splashes around, laughs, lays back and sucks on a facecloth constantly. He is SUCH a happy baby in the first place, but in the tub he's even more amusing.

And then we are off to bed where we co-sleep (whether with myself or his grandma, depending on who's less tired) and sing him songs of love and good fortune, and he finally rests his little head to lay down at 10:30 - 11:00 PM.

Biracial Sensitivity!

I'm a huge fan of reading my own writing at times, especially those memories of when I was "with child". It allows me to recall a time that is a dim light at the end of a tunnel at this point - thoughts, questions, concerns, the whole lot. This will come to play in a few short minutes.

Recently a friend of mine who frequents the baby-gaga.com website to chat with fellow mommy and mommy-to-be's informed me of a pregnant lady who posted a question about bi-racial babies and what her child would perhaps look like. Word of mouth, the feedback was horrendous. People calling her everything under the sun because of this simple question.

To some degree, I understand why it would seem like a slap in a face to different races or mothers in general. Why does it matter what colour your child will be, what features will be more dominant, and so on. At the same time (back to those written down accounts!) I can recall my curiosity. I can remember wondering if he'll be dark or light, the shape of his nose, the texture of his hair, etc. In the long run I knew it wouldn't matter, and I knew I could look at a million babies with the same ethnicity and that would never amount to what my baby would look like.

I just really don't understand why people would turn curiosity into a monsterous thing. She wasn't going to disown her baby if it came out more dark or more light than she wanted, if it had big ears, or small eyes. Why is this world so full of hatred and assumptions?

Simply put, I love my bi-racial little angel. If anything his colour enhances his appearance, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now I am off to post a picture of him in response to this girl's post. Always showing some love!

Ow, needles.

Another one of those days that are unbearable in the eyes of a mother - the dreaded doctor appointment, complete with a weigh-in (He's HOW big?!) and two needles directly into both thighs.

If someone asked me if I was a strong as a person, I would absolutely nod my head in agreement. Ask me if I'm strong as a mother, I would have to hang my head. I cannot, cannot, cannot be the one to hold my son down while the doctor pokes and prods him. I'm not sure if it has to do with my own phobia of needles or what it actually is.. perhaps I just refuse to be the person who pins him down (even though it is for his own good) to receive these needles. Enter grandmother!

The point of this post is to talk about needles, however. A friend of my mother has an [almost]one year old daughter, which came as a surprise after having a sixteen year old and this being completely random and unplanned. Whatever, "blessing in disguise" and all that entails.

With the exception of her first (maybe second?) set of shots, her daughter has not even gone to the doctor for as much as a checkup. To me, this is an absolute no-no, so I gasped in shock when I was told and questioned "why".

Apparently said mother (who's teenage son has already had these shots years ago, obviously) had taken her daughter to receive her shots, and afterwards she was very unresponsive. Unhappy, sad, wouldn't make noises, wouldn't laugh, etc. Luckily my son is "as strong as an ox" we like to say, and I have not even had to deal with the slightest bit of a fever after shots, just a little bit of crankiness and irritation. Point being, she now read into needles supposedly causing autism (apparently this was one case of a doctor giving his own vaccines in England years and years and years ago) so she refuses to let her daughter get them.

Out of curiosity, I asked my doctor today about the seriousness of these shots and "a family friend not getting them for her daughter". He stared at me so seriously and informed me "if public health finds out about it, the daughter can be taken away.. she won't be admitted into schools when she's older, and if something horrible (god forbid) happens, the parents can be charged with negligent homicide". I nodded my head, and told him I would pass on the information.

I know it's not drastic, I understand exactly the seriousness.. but as a mother I can only question why you would put yourself or more importantly, your child into that situation.

You yourself have claimed the needles never harmed you, your older child has had them.. he's fine. Many people around you have had them, their children, their children.. I don't understand why it doesn't click.

We are off for a nap, contemplating why some people are the way they are.

The good news is my big boy is happy, healthy, vaccinated and a whopping 20 pounds at 6 months of age. My little chub <3

Out and about!

It's been a little longer than forever since I've typed a blog. I've been soaking up every last second of baby-cuteness as my little one disappears as a "newborn" and arrives directly at "baby boy". Even in clothing sizes (according to every store I shop!).

The past weekend we fled the city to enjoy a beautiful weekend in the country. This included a few days of packing lists - "How much can a baby need?!" was greeted with the grinding of my teeth a million and one times. I discovered with a little one you try your best to be prepared, and with weather being so up and down, I had to cover all bases. Warm clothes, cold clothes, hats, sunglasses, sunscreen, toys, books, towels, facecloths, bath products, diapers, wipes, baby food processor, dishes, spoons, formula, bottles.. the list goes on, and on.

Many firsts were held in this great spot up north. Nature, nature, nature. I'm not going to say I live in a industrial area, surrounded by not even a blade of grass. However, you cannot compare a sandbox of sand to a full beach and park, or a backyard of grass to several fields, or a few trees on our street to dirt paths meandering through an entire forest. You can't. So the first time he felt sand in between his toes, the first time he lounged in the grass (and picked mommy her first flower!), and the first time he went for a walk with the sounds of hundreds of woodland creatures greeting every crunch of the rocks and sticks underneath my feet - and his tires - all happened in the span of two days.

His reactions to such simple things made me sit back and admire my child. Back from a "oh my goodness, is my baby the cutest thing in this world, or what?!" standpoint, but as a person who's looking at any child and smiling at how small their world is right now. He has no idea how complicated things will get. He has no idea of all the difficult decisions he will one day have to make, all the people he will meet and all the different places he will encounter. In that moment, I grinned at my son.. his innocence and curiosity being such a beautiful thing. Something I pray every day he will hold on to as long as possible, and I wish he could remember how simple these things are but how happy they made him. I guess that's why I take so many photographs of him, so when he doesn't.. I can show him.

Six months in two days. Yikes!

Cough cough.

"You haven't blogged in awhile, but how on earth can you keep up with a blog when you have a 4.5 month old baby? Let alone when you're both sick". Thank you Lindsey from Medford, Oregon! That is absolutely sweet and completely accurate.

For the last two weeks every time I am in a "blog mode" either myself or baby Kaiden have a coughing attack, or we need food, or we need to get some laundry or cleaning done so our (grand)mother doesn't karate kick us out of her home. Doctors appointments upon doctor appointments have piled up, and we are working on getting ourselves better.

I have recently found out there are a worser thing than baby needles. Needles you feel bad for the first few minutes of them screaming and crying, but once you console them you instantly feel relieved. Sickness? You can only try to give your little bundle of joy Tylenol and hope for the best.

So my sincere apology, readers! We're on the "get well" horse and should be back soon!

Futuristic.

I came across a few of my momma-friends' blogs, and we were all interested in the grand idea to essentially write a letter to our current selves from our pregnant selves a few weeks prior to becoming a mom. Hit it.

Dear Candace,

You are a few short weeks away from proving that you are a much wiser and stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You are about to experience the single greatest blessing a woman can ask for in a lifetime. You never asked for motherhood, it fell into your lap, but this is the most important and incredible thing you will ever do or be, I promise.

Do not spend the last handful of weeks stressing about your ability to parent! You are going to prove to everyone and yourself that you are a damn good mother. You are just as capable as anyone, and once you hear that first scream and instant cry while he's thrown on you, or you feel that heart beat against your chest..that soft breathing purring into your ear as that little boy drifts off to sleep in your arms, your maternal instincts will kick in.

People are absolutely not just being annoying when they say "enjoy every second while it lasts". Time is going to fly by so quickly and you're going to feel devastated when you learn just how truly fast it passes. Cherish every second. Soak in every breath, smile, laugh, pound gained, bottle fed. Smile at every minute of interrupted sleep. Love every second spent cuddling him close. Don't ever sweat the small stuff about being a mom!

Finally, I can promise that you are not going to be a perfect parent. Nobody ever is, you just have to try your best. You are going to have to learn and make mistakes - trial and error is okay. These are your mistakes to make. These are your things to learn. You will become a better mother by having struggles and hurdles and overcoming them. The absolute joy, happiness, peace, serenity, clarity and love you will experience trumps everything else. It's all worth it.

Love,

Yourself

Mommy Makeup!

Most pregnant people know that they are constantly told how they will cease to exist as a "woman" once they become a mother. You stop caring about your appearance and do whatever works at that point and time. Yes, including wearing no bra (or sometimes shirt!) if you're a breastfeeding momma.

Point being, the most wonderful feeling is getting dolled up by my beautiful sister-in-law when I finally got a date night! Recently her blog she has been doing exceedingly well, and she has decided to start doing makeup giveaways!

Go check out her page for her makeup tutorials, blogs and a chance to win some free MAC makeup!! HTTP://ELF-ADDICT.BLOGSPOT.COM

Down and out? I wish.

Sudden discovery? Being a mom is the toughest when you aren't feeling well. I have to admit, since giving birth to my little treasure, my body hasn't been at 100 percent..ever. It feels like they fixed my lady parts, but didn't bother to inform my organs to go back into place. I feel like a poorly constructed jigsaw puzzle with probably a few pieces missing.

I trucked through that, because I've come to the conclusion until another few months I'm not going to feel perfect! However, when a sore throat and a little cough enter the picture, and I stare at the clock and pray to God he's going to have a catch-up day on sleep - I should have known I was in for trouble.

The one day mommy is "out of commission" is the day he likes to be as cranky as can be. I know it's not his fault, so I pull out my compassionate and adoring mother card and (avoiding to kiss him) pulled him into a tight embrace and started rubbing his back. What do I get in return? I handful of my hair being ripped from the roots. "Ow, Kaiden.. can you let go of mommy's hair?" Laughter. Pure, straight from the heart chuckle. I smile and say "Oh thank you for loving mommy's luscious locks!" and softly pry his hands open to unleash myself. As soon as the last strand is out of his grasp, he started to wail. I frantically tossed my hair back into his view, but to no avail.. much too late. Bottle? Warm up.. come on, warm up faster. Nope, don't want that. Pacifier? Scream, scream, suck, suck..... Victory? Spit out! Cry, cry, scream.

The only thing that really keeps him quiet is singing "If you're happy and you know it" and I feel saddened when I know that I can recall the lyrics to any Spice Girls song, and probably all of the ones by the Backstreet Boys, but for the life of me I cannot come up with more than two kids songs. Really? Really. Back on point, that only lasted a few more minutes before he tossed his hands in the air in frustration and kept crying.

My last resort is always rubbing his gums, because if it's not food or fun he wants and I know I just changed him, it's usually that his teething is starting to bother him. My poor little quick-developing baby! So finger teether in hand, we sit in the rocking chair and before I know it, he's out. What happens next? I have a coughing attack, waking him up even after I run out of the room and muffle my coughs against my arm. And this horrid set of occurrences happens throughout the entire day!

By the evening when I could finally get a nap because my mother is home, I was absolutely drained. My whole body was ready to fall apart and I started at her in utter and complete shock. "How did you do this with TWO babies? I could barely keep up with him." She smiled at me and chuckled "I never got sick!". My lucky mother. And then I smiled to myself when I thought "Lucky, yeah maybe. But she would have done the same thing I did and persevered!".

Meestor Punkin,

I can recall holding you in my belly, folding my hands over that growing bump and smiling whenever I would feel the slightest nudge. I tell pregnant friends the most incredible thing is when the baby has hiccups - which you did frequently - and you can feel the constant little bubbles in your stomach.

How did we get to four months so quickly? You are one-third of the way to being a year old. How many times do I have to use the word "bittersweet"? I am ecstatic watching you flip from your stomach to your back, and vice versa.. smiling at those big brown eyes and beautiful smile you give when you know you have just accomplished something new. You laugh when I hover over you clapping enthusiastically and reiterating "Good boy! Mommy's little boy! Mommy's little angel!" over and over. In my head I'm thinking "Please slow down! Just get your wrinkly, red skin back, curl your legs underneath you and cuddle me.

My mind has been so scattered the past week and a half, Kaiden. You're far too young to understand the tragedies in this world, especially the things going on in Japan. You saw me look at a television screen and shed tears, and although you probably didn't understand the emotion on mommy's face, you laid a comforting hand on my cheek. Death is a hard subject for anyone. Seeing all the people who essentially didn't have the chance to live their full potential in life is devastating. Even more devastating is the fact that throughout all those reports, all I could imagine is any parent having to lose their child to that. Young or old, somebody's son or daughter is no longer on this earth with them.

This scares me to death. I wish I had the ability to protect you from every bad thing that will ever happen. In those minutes of sadness, I prayed for the super strength to fight off any and every physical, emotional and mental harms to ever be put in front of you. My love for you in my head will always feel like enough to protect you from everything, but ultimately the only thing I can do is constantly pray. The only way for a mother to survive this thing called motherhood and to not feel so small and insignificant is to believe in something big. Believe that there is a higher power that is going to look out for you when it's out of your mother's hands.

The other day I came across my notebook, the one I wrote little tidbits of my feelings when I learned you were coming into this world. I was overcome with so many emotions, and it's incredible to read how beautifully your existence was impacting me, even before I held you in my arms. You have made me everything I was a better version. More beliefs, more morals, more strength, and a whole lot of more love.

One day you will understand this kind of love, when your own miracle smiles up at you. Until then, it's you and me in this together.. You mean everything to me, and time will never change that except for the better.. and I wouldn't have it any other way, kiddo.

Love,

Mommy

I'm saying it like it is.

I've actually noticed a lot of people searching keywords like "childbirth" and "labour", in turn getting my website. I realize I'm little to no help, as I haven't really written a detailed novel of what went down that day, nor have I really discussed my pregnancy and early motherhood very much - so I have selflessly decided to give anyone pregnant a little heads up. You asked for it, really.

Number 1: Everyone is so concerned about pain during labour and delivery. It hurts, yes. Is an epidural worth it? Asked me then, I may have nodded and agreed. Ask me now that I have to deal with a lot of back pain since, no. It's bittersweet, but make the decision for yourself. Don't let people sway you if you're uncomfortable and try to be a trooper. I was in pain for a good few extra hours than I needed to be because I didn't want to disappoint my grandmother (who believes I "wussed out"). And yes, down there tears and/or has to be cut, it isn't pleasant with no pain medication left in your system. Just saying!
(Please note that my doctor did a really good job fixing that. Did you take a sewing class? Thanks, ma'am!)

Number 2: Your body and heart will never feel the same. I have never known what love is, truthfully, until I held that child in my arms. I always thought my family and my boyfriend took up every little compartment I had in there (atriums and ventricles), until he was thrown on my chest like a bag of potatoes. It's like a whole other heart sprouted into place to be filled with him, or my original one just expanded twice the size to accomodate him, either or. In addition to that, my body feels like a failed game of Operation. The pieces are there, but still things feel like they aren't in the right place. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces crammed together, not fitting nicely like they should. I guess I should be grateful that my lady parts are intact, my stomach can hide in former clothing and I do not have feet constantly kicking me in the ribs. (Although the last one I do miss.) Oh, and your teeth get awful - every bit of calcium your baby needs they take from your bones (teeth included). Thanks a lot, Kaiden.. your allowance is going straight to my dentist bill!

Number 3: Nice clothes after-baby are useless. Nice furniture after-baby is too. I don't think there is anything I now own that has not been vomitted on and stained a few times. I'm in the groove of just wearing oversized tshirts and sweatpants constantly unless we are heading out, because there is truly no point in adding more laundry to my oversized pile.

Number 4: Post-baby-dating is difficult, married or not. I think this hit me when my boyfriend and I were out for the first time in weeks, and all we discussed was hoping we would get back and he had pooped (because he hadn't all day). Really? All this time without any intimacy, and our conversation has centered around my child's bowel movements? Hilarious. (Please keep in mind this just another step in the right direction of being a good father-figure for my son, and realizing he's the right one.. so it worked in both of our favours!)

Finally, Number 5: The good outweighs the bad. Always. There are such small inconveniences in the grand scheme of baby raising, that make it absolutely worth going through to see that smile, hear that laugh, feel that soft skin and smell that baby aroma. Every day is a challenge, and every day you get the biggest award you can imagine.

These are the facts. Well, my facts.

Bye Newbie, Hello Bronco.

I apologize for the lack of my blogging; yes, being a mother is tough work. Managing a relationship on the side isn't exactly easy. Getting used to assisting in cleaning since I'm home all day isn't a treat - but I am still managing to find a few minutes, coffee in hand, and calm music erupting from my headphones to take a breather.

A few days ago I said goodbye to the cuddly little newborn I've known for the last 2 months and a bit, and hello to my new 'babychild'. I mean this in the sense of everything we once did now irritates or bores him. I can no long let him lay on my chest and fall asleep, we cuddle tummy to tummy because he is as long as my torso.
I cannot hold him close when he's happy and receive a perfect head fitting right into the crevice of my neck, but instead I get my little bronco baby (bucking to get out of there) and screeching until he's sat up on my lap, or on the couch. I smile and say "Oh you're just nosey!" - I am a firm believer that children know more than we think they know - I'm positive he just wants to see the world around him, and is afraid he's missing out on something when asleep or his vision is obscured.

I cannot lie and say I did not shed a few tears when I realized not only did I have to pack away his newborn clothing, most of his 0-3 clothing and even some of his 3 month sleepers. I stared in utter shock at the baby in front of me and at the sleeper dangling in my hand. "Why?" I sobbed to myself. I held the legs up to his body, and frowned when I saw they would not reach toe to crotch.

Then again later in the day, I was giving him his tummy time and as he was cooing at the glowworm in front of him, I rubbed his back like I always do. This time I noticed the number 2 staring up at me, grasped in Tigger's paws, no less. Size 2, really? It's like this didn't hit me when it was happening and all I could sit and think was how did this happen so quickly?

I can post and post about how fast he's growing, and one day instead of a baby book, I will be reading him this blog. This is all about you, after all, my darling little boy. "You grew so quickly, and you made mommy cry!" - I can guilt trip him in the future. A baby book has very little information. This blog is a splillage of your life, how you became you, and we became us.

The fact is I have a healthy, absolutely breathtaking little angel. One who's coos, smiles and breathing is imprinted deeply into my being. I see his face in every part of my life, even when we're apart for fraction of time. I can truthfully say I have dreamed of a lot of wonderous jobs, and until I had him, being a mother wasn't really a high priority on the list. Now? Number one. I love you, Kaids.

One Arm.

Baby Boy - I hope you don't mind if I hold on to you forever.

I have mastered doing everything with one arm, so really.. it's just convenient.

Growing Pains

I've been having an internal struggle when it comes to the healthy growing and aging of my little guy, as I'm sure every mother goes through.
First, second, or third? Doesn't matter. The familiarity doesn't make it easier, I'm told.
On one hand they are learning, developing, showing off their newly acquired skill with pride, and on the other, "Why? This is too soon! Slow down!".

I find this struggle the hardest while shopping. He has enough clothes and diapers for the current time-frame Kaiden, so I'm shopping for the person he will be in a few weeks, or months, and it's hard to look at an outfit as long as my torso, and think "this is how big he will be in this short period of time...NO, MOM! Out that down, he might not like red!!".

I am in absolute awe when I stare at him how drastically he has changed since they tossed him on my chest and said "meet your son!". His nose has taken on the shape of his mommy's, he's MANY inches longer, and his weight gain isn't just noticeable due to the excess weight on my arm. He grabs his bottle and holds it steadily in his mouth, when you hold his hands, he beins to try to pull up, and he's grasping his toys left, right and center.

When I was pregnant, all I could picture was park outings, and skating, and going to the zoo .. when he was "older", and now I'm in no rush.

Letters To Kaiden

In a few hours you are 61 days old, and I am 61 days old as a mommy. I know you probably cannot remember that first meeting, but I can recall it with ease. You weren't but seconds old, and they laid you on my chest. I stared into your dark eyes - the colour of chocolate - and pressed my lips against that little bald head. It was in that moment I promised I'd love you with every piece of me that I was capable of using, and protect you with all the fierceness of a lioness until the end of time.

That night, we were left alone together, and the only comfortable place you would rest is on my chest. The nurse smiled and said "He just wants his mommy, push your bed down and let him sleep on you, he'll be fine."
For a moment the concept was bizarre. I stared at you, questioningly. From day one, it had been me that had always wanted you. To see that face, to trace those perfect lips with my finger, to press my nose into every part of you and take in that beautiful baby aroma - the aroma I know was mine - that I created. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever realize that it would be in reverse. That you would crave my warmth, yearn to listen to my heartbeat, want to look at my face and memerize every little detail. I was looking at you with all the tenderness and love in the world, and I didn't notice the same look staring back at me from your eyes.

Over the last two months, I have learned to decipher your little noises. Your hungry and impatient wail, your frustrated grunts, your peaceful sigh, and your delicious laugh. I have noticed the faces that make you smile more. I realized how easy it is for you to fit in my hands just perfectly, like you were designed to fit them. You taught me the meaning of a stronger love than I could ever imagine - one that I had read about, and one that I thought I saw mirrored on my mother's face when she stared at my brother or I, but nothing that I had ever experienced.

It's a love that I cannot ever imagine not having anymore, because just as you grew inside me - you not only became a part of this world - but a part of me. A part I will always adore, effortlessly remember and forever cherish.
Thank you for coming into my world, and changing it so absolutely in the most perfect of ways.

What works! .. & doesn't.

I've been given the same advice from the beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm sure it will continue to be uttered, "No two babies are the same, so not everything you read will work with your baby." This has molded in my head, so when a book says "routine, routine, routine", I used to nod in agreement.. now, I smile and whisper "No, no, no-no!".

The deep seated planner in me is one that wants things to be orderly, and have a schedule. The mother in me knows it's impossible with my baby. Kaiden is on Kaiden time, and me trying to adjust his feedings, naps, and bedtime will not go well for me at all and cause him too much distress.

I read plently of parenting tips, must-haves and reviews prior to having my little one, and I decided to compile a list of what works for us, and what really doesn't.

What works:

1. Bath (every night) - As indicated in a previous post, the only way in order to ensure my little guy gets more than a half hour of sleep before he's wailing, is a nice (very) warm bath with lavendar scented bath products (Thank you, Johnson's!)

2. Swing - Godsend. A lot of people saying it was useless truthfully made me hesitate, until my parents insisted the swing matched the bouncer, which matched the travel system, which matched his diaper bag, and etc. , so we wound up getting one anyways. Thankful is the word for this one. There are times where he requires movement - not just rocking or walking - but a lot of fast motion. Ninety percent of the time I put him in his swing when he's agitated, and turn on the classical music, and he's out like a light.

3. Reading - I'm not really interested in people's opinions when it comes to reading to him. I couldn't care less if he doesn't grasp the concept, doesn't understand the words I'm saying, or hates the sound of my voice. Most of the time after he's stayed awake long enough to have a full feeding - but hasn't dozed off - if I begin to read to him his eyes start to get heavy and he drifts off. Plus, if he one day is a genius, I only have myself to thank!

What doesn't:

1. Swaddle - I'm told most babies fight it initially, but after awhile they will cave and sleep sounder. Kaiden? Nope. The first few nights I tried, he would scream and squirm until his hands were released, popping them directly in his mouth. I guess he just really didn't like how close everything was in there (never-ending kicking and moving), and out here, he's no better.

2. Pacifier - We have tried countless brands, and have even tried letting him suck on his bottle (eyes closed, mind you!) and did a "quick swap", and he notices the difference right away and spits it out. Only when he's severely tired and half asleep will he even take one in his mouth to calm him down, and even then it won't stay in long. Makes it easier for me to have to ween him off of it in later life, I suppose!

So in conclusion - do what's best for you, and your baby. Don't rely on the opinion of one mother, (or author for that matter!) to determine the needs for your child and what's "best for your child". As a mother, you're already on the right channel, you just need to fine-tune it.

Hush, my little baby!

The other day I somehow wound up in a bookstore, surrounded by books on babies about attachment parenting, breasts versus formula, and an array of ways to make your own baby food. The lady beside me, sporting a fairly large bump, smiles at my little one in the stroller. We make small talk about age, weight, delivery and everything else baby related, and she sheepishly asks "Is he a two hour baby, or a four hour baby? I'm already exhausted, I can't imagine staying awake even more at this point". I smile and inform her that he's not too bad, and pointed out the enormous section of books devoted to infant sleep strategies. "You have to teach a baby to sleep, I'm told. He'll get there someday, but he's doing incredible! ". Should have bit my tongue, because that night he was trying to make a liar out of me.

People like me with sensitive souls could never allow the "let him cry it out" method. I couldn't bare it. Child experts are never in between, either. I feel like every book I have read, every article, every seminar, and every word-of-mouth has been entirely one end of the spectrum or the other. No happy mediums. "Oh, after a couple of nights he'll just fall right to sleep". After..a..few..nights? I wouldn't, couldn't, and won't! Nor do I think anybody in our household would appreciate letting him sit there and be unhappy. His pinkie is quite strong, seeing as all the hundreds of pounds he has wrapped around it.

Time to research more on sleep! I've read, and learned after multiple readings that babies have a full process of getting to sleep. Light sleep, into deep sleep. There's a 20 (ish) minute span where your baby twitches, smiles and fidgets where you assume they are out cold and perhaps dreaming about something sweet (I insist Kaiden is dreaming about me!), but they are in fact in that crossroad of falling asleep and still being awake. If my baby is not left laying in arms for that 20-30 minute interval, and he's put down.. he will cry bloody murder, and the ritual starts all over again. I was finding that after a few days, even after that thirty to sometimes even forty minute resting period of no movement (on my end), as soon as he would be put down he would become alert, start stretching, and minutes later be very unhappy with his family.

So we started the bath-before-bed technique. After a few days of inconsolable crying, and me having to resort to putting him in his car seat/stroller and pushing him around the house (only thing that would make him doze off!), my mother and I came to the conclusion that he really loved his bedtime bath, and feeding, and he'd be out like a light. It's working marvelously thus far.. however, we're both terrified that if we stray in any way, shape, or form from that routine, back to the basics.

We may be giving this kid a bath every night with Lavender Johnson's baby products until he's 13. I'm hoping against it, but ready and willing!

Mommy OCD

When you're a pregnant, you anticipate the moment you get to hold that child in your arms. You insist you're ready, but when your water breaks you go into a state of panic. You claim you will never forget labour pain, which you do instantly. All of these things you can read in books. Motherhood is a whole new story - it's not just the sleep deprivation, the changes your body has to reverse, the hours of inconsolable crying or the hundreds upon hundreds of dollars this new little being needs. As a new mother you will experience some form of OCD, (in a comical form, not the serious disorder form) you develop a fixation with several things concerning your baby, mine have become purchasing, counting and thinking.

Compulsive Purchasing ...just in case! I think every first-time mother enjoys buying little outfits, happily anticipating this amazing little being that is soon going to be their heart walking outside of their body. I'm absolutely certain the first package of purchased diapers seems like a milestone, and a good deal on a case of baby wipes was a breakthrough - but after a few months into my pregnancy (and the confirmation that it was NOT a girl, but yes, a boy) things got out of hand, and even after he was here, it got more horrific.

At any point in time I enter a store where there is a baby section (grocery store included!), in my brain it is truly the only reason for coming in. I browse amongst the same things I have seen five thousand times, and insist "he needs this!" to anyone who is accompanying me, before tossing it in a cart. This got to the point where I was buying two of the same outfit in different sizes because I liked it so much. Thankfully not to the point where the closet was all but four outfits in every size you could purchase it, but if I claim to "absolutely adore" something he's wearing, you can bet I have the same thing in at least another size bigger.
I do realize that there is never going to be a point where every child clothing manufacturer shuts down, and I'm left to wrap my child in rags or over sized adult clothes, but it doesn't click in my head.
My baby now has 10 bottles (that we will never use), 6 different brands of pacifiers (5 of which he hates and spits out immediately), over 100 outfits (of just the ones he hasn't grown out of yet), and a diaper stash of up to size 5 (he is still in size 1).
Surprisingly still have money in my pocket!

Compulsive Counting.. everything. I could become a mathematician with the amount of adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing I do a day. Recounting, counting again. How many mL of water versus how many mL of concentrate formula. How many bottles. How many ounces per feeding. The last time he ate, and the number of hours until he eats again. How many hours of sleep he gets a day. How many hours of sleep he doesn't get a day. How many minutes of tummy time he gets and how many he should be getting. How many months, weeks, days, hours old he is. How many cases of formula I have stashed away in case something catastrophic happens. How many times he smiles, laughs, stares, cries, moves, and blinks a day. How many days I have until I leave him to go back to work. Calculations, calculations. Never-ending calculations.

Compulsive Thinking ... about all the things that can go wrong. I was never this kind of person in my entire life. I'm one of those glass-is-half-full kind of people. That's until I became a mom. You find yourself checking and double checking his breathing at night. You find yourself reading baby books on advice of what to do when they cry (because they might be seriously harmed!) and every bad thought flows through your head - because what if? And then there are the not so scary things, but still hard for a mom - what if I miss the first time he crawls, or stands, or walks, or speaks? What if I have some other obligation when he has a school play, concert or bake sale? I guess the best thing I can do is hope for the best, keep him safe and smile.

To other people, I look a little mentally incompetent - to other mothers, this is normal.
How life-changing is having a baby? More than people who are without children will ever know.